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Gil's Joke of the Day Archive  |
Jan. 31, 2005 Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!" |
Jan. 24, 2005 A student of proctology is in the morgue one day after classes, wanting to get a little practice in before the final exams. He goes over to a table where a body is lying face down. He uncovers the body and, to his surprise, he finds a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring that this is fairly unusual, he pulls the cork out and, to his absolute surprise, music begins playing: "On the road again...just can't wait to get on the road again..." The student is amazed, and pops the cork back into the anus. The music stops. Totally freaked out, the student calls the Medical Examiner over to the corpse. "Look at this, this is really something," the student tells the examiner as he pulls the cork back out again. They hear: "...don't break my heart, my achy, brakey heart..." "So what?" the Medical Examiner replies, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery. "But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student. "Are you kidding?" replied the examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music." |
Jan. 17, 2005 How do you know when the stage is level ? |
Jan. 15, 2005 Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? |
Jan. 11, 2005 Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed. |
Dec. 30, 2004 A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. |
Dec. 27, 2004 What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick... |
Dec. 22, 2004 A Christmas Poem |
Dec. 17, 2004 Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
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Dec.16, 2004 Steven Wright 01Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked, "How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time." Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow. I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one . . . It wasn't doing what I was doing. I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me--and I didn't hear it. I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that." He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now." I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. |
Dec. 15, 2004 Is the wife in control?Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
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Dec. 14, 2004 How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? |
Dec. 13, 2004 How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? |
Dec. 9, 2004 Arriving in HeavenThree men die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.St. Peter: Hi, what's your name? Paul: My name is Paul. St. Peter: Hi, Paul. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Paul: 120K. St. Peter: Wow! Tell me, Paul, what were you doing to earn that kind of money? Paul: I was a lawyer. St. Peter: That's great. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name? Roger: My name is Roger. St. Peter: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? Roger: 60K. St. Peter: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living? Roger: I was an accountant. St. Peter: That's very good. Come on in. St. Peter then turned to the second man. Hi, what's your name? John: My name is John. St. Peter: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died? John: About $13,000. St. Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?
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Dec. 8, 2004 How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
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Dec. 7, 2004 How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
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Dec. 6, 2004 How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
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Dec. 3, 2004 How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
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Dec. 2, 2004 A student comes to a young professor's office after hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and says, "I would do anything to pass this exam."She then leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes and says, "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you, study?" |
Dec. 1, 2004 What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch? |
Nov. 30, 2004 What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?"Oh look! Donut seeds!" |
Nov. 29, 2004 Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat? |
Nov. 26, 2004 Top ten signs that you are too drunk10. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth.
9. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. 8. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Your idea of cutting back is less salt. 6. You can focus better with one eye closed. 5. You fall off the floor. 5. The whole bar greets you when you come in. 4. You haven't had a driver's license in such a long time that you have forgotten what one looks like. 3. Roseanne looks good. 2. You don't recognize your wife/husband unless seen through bottom of glass. 1. You spent more time on the floor than you do standing up. |
Nov. 25, 2004 The Resume BloopersThese are taken from real resumes and cover letters and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience. 2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms. 3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. 4. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave. 5. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. 6. Its best for employers that I not work with people. 7. Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience. 8. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time. 9. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. 10. I was working for my mom until she decided to move. 11. Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. 12. Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No Commitments. 13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. 14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail. 15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing. 16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meterology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage. 17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant. 18. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments. 19. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. 20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store. 21. Note: Please don't miscontrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job. 22. Marital status: often. Children: various. 23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions. 24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. 25. Finished eighth in my class of ten. 26. References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me. |
Nov. 24, 2004 Try to explain women A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
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Nov. 22, 2004 What does a blonde and an airplane have in common? They both have cock pits. |
Nov. 18, 2004 What is the difference between Micheal Jackson and Neil Armstrong? One was the first man to land on the moon and the other fucks little boys in the ass. |
Nov. 17, 2004 A hamburger and some fries walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here." |
Nov. 16, 2004 What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg? Nothing they never meet. |
Nov. 15, 2004 Why are lesbians lazy? Because they don't do dick and they always eat out. |
Nov. 12, 2004 Why did Hitler really kill himself? He saw the gas bill. |
Nov. 11, 2004 How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw. |
Nov. 10, 2004 When can you tell a blonde is having a bad day? When she can't find her pencil and her tampon is behind her ear. |
Nov. 9, 2004 What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lickalotofpuss.
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Nov. 8, 2004 What is the definition of self-destruct? A leper with Parkinson’s disease. |
Nov. 5, 2004 How are girls and mermaids similar? They both look like girls from the waist up, and they both smell like fish from the waist down. |
Nov. 4, 2004 There was a duck that went to a local store to buy chapstick, the clerk asked if he would pay cash and the duck said, no, just put it on my bill. |
Nov. 3, 2004 A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her in tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." The girl nodded, yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a life-boat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," said the Captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry." |
Nov. 2, 2004 What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? A pick pocket snatches watches. |
Nov. 1, 2004 Why are womens feet so small? So they can stand closer to the stove! |
Oct.27, 2004 How are women and a pile of dog crap alike? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up ! |
Oct. 26, 2004 What u call a blond with pigtales? A blow job with handle bars |
Oct. 25, 2004 A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was likethis: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan'! s Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it." "CASE DISMISSED!!"
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Oct. 22, 2004 A Canadian snowboarder got his gold medal back despite testing positive for marijuana. Olympic officials should have know better. Snowboarding was invented because a stoned snowboarder couldn't remember where he put his other ski. |
Oct. 21, 2004 A man is almost about to die. As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them." |
Oct. 20, 2004 She's new to footballA guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. Afterward he asked her how she liked the game.
"I liked it, but I couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents," she said. "What do you mean?" he asked. "Well, everyone kept yelling, 'Get the quarter back!"
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Oct.19, 2004 A way to save your marriage A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.
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Oct.18, 2004 A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man, " the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. |
Oct. 15, 2004 Knock, knock |
Oct.14, 2004 Knock, knock |
Oct. 13, 2004 Knock, knock |
Oct. 12, 2004 Knock, knock |
Oct. 11, 2004 Knock, knock |
Oct. 8, 2004 Knock, knock |
Oct. 7, 2004 Knock, knock |
Oct. 5, 2004 Knock, Knock |
Oct. 4, 2004 Knock, knock |
Oct. 1 2004 What has 2 legs and Bleeds a lot? Half a cat! |
Sept. 30, 2004 Whats the difference between yo momma and a 747 (airplane)? Not everybodys been in a 747 |
Sept. 29, 2004 Knock, knock |
Sept. 28, 2004 How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her. |
Sept. 24, 2004 There was a duck that went to a local store to buy chapstick, the clerk asked if he would pay cash and the duck said, no, just put it on my bill. |
Sept. 23, 2004 A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. "What did you do that for?" he asked her. "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied. |
Sept. 22, 2004 A married man goes into the confessional and says to his priest, "I almost had an affair with a woman." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in." |
Sept. 21, 2004 What does Hannibal Lector say about Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera? |
Sept. 20, 2004 What do blondes and doorknobs have in common? |
Sept. 17, 2004 Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? |
Sept. 16, 2004 Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building? |
Sept. 15, 2004 The seven dwarves were on a bus, they started to feel Sleepy so he got off. |
Sept. 14, 2004 How does Osama bin Laden practice safe sex? He marks the camels that kick. |
Sept. 13, 2004 The wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed in the back yard and put his penis in a vice. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up a hacksaw.
The husband was terrified, and screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband's hand and said, "Nope. I'm going to set the shed on fire. You do whatever you have to." |
Sept. 10, 2004 A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him. "Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers." "Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!" "Sir, please get off the mop bucket." |
Sept. 9, 2004 A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks."I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!" |
Sept. 8, 2004 Why did the 3 blondes jump off the building?
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Sept. 7, 2004 What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
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Sept. 3, 2004 Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends 1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?'' |
Sept. 2, 2004 A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.'' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for |
Sept. 1, 2004 Q: What's the worst way to get a headache? A: When she sneezes. |
Aug. 31, 2004 Why do men walk so fast? They've got three legs! Why do women talk so much? They've got two mouths! |
Aug. 30, 2004 A blonde had two horses, but she couldn't tell them apart. So she asked her neighbor for advice. He suggested that she cut the tail off one of the horses. This worked until the other horse snagged his tail on a fence. So the neighbor suggested notching one of the horses' ear. This worked until the other horse snagged his ear on a fence. So the neighbor suggested measuring the heights of the horses. And sure enough, the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse. |
Aug. 27, 2004 There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish. The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish. The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish. It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay." |
Aug. 26, 2004 A man was working with an electric saw when he accidentally sawed off all ten fingers. He quicky rushed to the emergency room. The doctor there told him, "Give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do." "But Doc, I couldn't pick them up." |
Aug. 25, 2004 Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city. This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. One day the owner of the building decided to get a PA system installed on every level, in case there was ever a fire and everyone in the building needed to be contacted at once. The system was installed on every level: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40. One day, an employee named John was doing some paperwork on the 21st level when he saw the pager for the PA system in his boss's office. He could not resist. He picked up the pager, turned it on, cleared his throat, and told a joke. It was funniest joke anyone in the building had ever heard. They were rolling in the aisles, laughing their heads off. The accountants on level 3 were in tears. The engineers on level 34 were in hysterics. In fact, workers on every level -- level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, He walked out the door of his boss's office, feeling all proud of himself, when who should he run into but his boss. "John, come with me now!" John reluctantly followed his boss back into his office. His boss looked at him with fury in his eyes. "John," he said, "your joke was very disruptive to the workers in this building! Productivity was decreased on level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, level 29, level 30, level 31, level 32, level 33, level 34, level 35, level 36, level 37, level 38, level 39, and level 40! You're fired! Clean out your desk and get out!" But then his frown softened and he added, "Still, I have to admit, that joke was funny on so many levels."
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Aug. 24, 2004 A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, "If you fart any more, you'll fart your guts out!". Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, "Honey, you were right about me farting my guts out but with the grace of the Dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!" |
Aug. 23, 2004 A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing. |
Aug. 20, 2004 This guy is really horny, but all he has is two dollars. He goes to the nearest whore house and says to the man working there, "Look, I’m really horny, but all I have is two dollars. What can I get?" "Well, the cheapest we have is one hundred dollars. But I’ll cut you a deal on two conditions. For two dollars, I’ll let you go down two doors on the right, but you have to wear a black condom, and leave the lights out!" The horny man agrees and goes two doors down on the right with the black condom on and the lights out. A while later he comes back out and says to the man working there, "Man, that was the best sex I’ve ever had, but why did I have to wear the black condom?" "Well, you gotta show some respect for the dead!" |
Aug. 19, 2004 A guy picks up a girl in a bar, brings her home, and they start getting it on. He starts sucking on one of her tits and milk comes out. He says, "Hey, are you pregnant?" She says, "That wasn't a nipple, that was a boil."
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Aug. 18, 2004
Two guys are walking down the street and see a dog on the lawn, licking his balls. One guy says to the other, " Man, I sure wish I could do that". The other guy says, " Don't you think you ought to pet him first?" |
Aug. 16, 2004 Two necrophiliacs work in a morgue, and one of them tells the other one, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, she had a clitoris just like a pickle." "What," the other asks, "green?" |
Aug. 12, 2004 There is a young couple in a movie theatre. The girl says, "I have to pee, can I squeeze past you?" "Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" the boyfriend says. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides it's pretty dark here, no one will see you" "OK".. She pulls here drawers down and squats on the floor. The boyfriend starts feels horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab. He feels something long and hard and says,"Urgh!! Have you had a sex change?" "No!" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm have having a shit instead" |
Aug. 11, 2004 A kid goes up to his father and says, "Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?" His father says, "No...how old?" He says, "I'm eleven!" He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?" She says, "Come closer..." She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, "You're eleven." He says, "How could you tell?" She says, "I heard you tell your father."
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Aug 12, 2004 Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life." Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?" The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
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